I'm done. No more All Blacks for me.

I won't be watching the All Blacks play. I can’t because I can no longer support them with a clear conscience after the appalling antics of the New Zealand Rugby Union (NZRU) last week. In fact, despite enjoying New Zealand’s national game, I will no longer support the Chiefs and I won’t be watching any other rugby. It was a hard decision to make because watching rugby was something I did with my Dad who passed away 17 years ago. In a way, watching rugby reminded me of the times we headed off together to watch Waikato play. It reminded me of being woken in the middle of the night to watch the All Blacks play on the other side of the world, whether as part of a tour or in a World Cup. No more though. No more until the NZRU changes how they treat and investigate serious allegations like those that came to light after the Chiefs end of season shenanigans at Okoroire, and particularly the very serious allegations made by Scarlette, the woman hired by the players to do her job as a striptease performer.

Last week the NZRU announced the results of their investigation into what occurred. It was an appalling hatchet job that smacked of a cover up. Nothing about the whole sorry mess that New Zealand Rugby has placed itself in is dignified, right or honouring to either the women involved or to the seriousness of the allegations. More appalling was that Chiefs coach Dave Rennie, with Steve Tew sitting alongside him, suggested that perhaps it would’ve been best if what the players did wasn’t in such a public arena but rather stayed behind closed doors. It made me sick. Not one word of an apology to Scarlette, the woman who made the initial allegation, nor to Laura who was the second woman to speak out about similar behaviour the year before at a Chiefs event. The only thing even approaching an apology was to the public that some of the team hired a woman to strip for them and that it came to public light. It was a poor attempt at helping the brand recover from a disgusting and abhorrent incident. The people involved seemed more interested in damage control than treating the allegations with seriousness and justice. More interested in cleaning the brand’s image up than honouring the women who spoke out against inappropriate and sickening behaviour from a bunch of drunken idiots.

And that is why I won’t be watching the All Blacks or any rugby. How can I? It would be hypocritical
of me to call for the NZRU to change the way they investigate such incidents, apologise to both Scarlette and Laura and properly punish the players involved and then sit down and watch a team who are the biggest earners for the very organisation that has shown no respect for the women involved. I don’t expect many, if any one else will do the same thing but I don’t care. It is a stance I have to take to stay true to my beliefs. I have to take the stance so I can look my daughter in the eye and tell her truthfully that I didn’t condone the appalling actions of some idiotic male rugby players. Because whilst there is the element of change starting with an individual, there is also social responsibility. The reality is that rugby is the national game of New Zealand. Former and current All Blacks are revered as heroes. Even if they don’t obtain the ultimate status of All Black, rugby players are adored and looked up to by thousands of young people, predominantly boys, the country over. The NZRU therefore needs to show leadership and deal with these allegations appropriately, with respect, dignity and honour to the women involved. Until that happens, don’t ask me to come over and watch the latest All Black test or invite me to attend a Mitre 10 Cup match with you. I won’t do it for as much as I love watching rugby, changing attitudes and attempting in my small way to call people to account on this is more important.

Not So Happy Father's Day

It's Father's Day in New Zealand. A time to celebrate dads and what they do for us. But unfortunately, today is not always a happy day for many people. For far too many, both children or grown adults, the term father is connected to bad memories that they would rather forget. For some, it may have been physical abuse, sexual abuse, or the sheer terror of a father figure. This may have affected them for years. It is the sad truth that for some people, this day reminds them of pain and suffering. All things negative instead of things positive.

The sad reality is that domestic violence is a huge problem in this country. Some of our children are in conflict zones, their childhoods under siege. If we could see into their lives we would see the emotional equivalent of bombed out buildings, landmine devastation and rubble from tanks bulldozing their way around shelling indiscriminately. And sadly, far too much of this devastation on our children is at the hands of so called father figures.

This has to end. There has been so many campaigns telling us “it’s not okay”. Yet too many times police have to attend domestic violence calls. The increasing financial pressures that many families are under increase the likelihood of domestic violence. People are at the end of their tether. But it is never okay to get violent. The other day I witnessed an incident where a male (and father) ran into a house wielding a skateboard like a weapon. I can only imagine the fear that the children in that house must’ve felt. Or worse, the flight instinct had already kicked in and the children were already hiding away from “angry daddy”. I couldn’t think about those children and not do something, so I called the police. Hopefully as a result of the subsequent police visit, the father seeks help, the mother too and the children have the opportunity to deal with the fear so it doesn’t hinder them throughout their lives.

So today, celebrate with your fathers, young and old. But please take some time to remember those who find this day difficult. If you are a father and you have noticed that you're losing your rag too much, please reach out for help. A real man doesn’t try to tough it out. A real man admits his mistakes and seeks support and help. There are plenty of amazing groups that do a fantastic job of coming alongside men and helping them. If you know someone who you are concerned about, come alongside them, let them know you are there to help and that they don’t need to leave their children a legacy of violence and pain. If you or someone you know is dealing with the pain of a violent father, please be brave and talk to someone. You are worthy of love. What your father figure has done in the past wasn’t good. It never is or will be ok. But you don’t have to live the rest of your life in fear of that ugly and ultimately false version of manliness.

Remember, what we do in the present leaves a legacy for our children in the future. As men, let’s leave a legacy full of love, care, strength, and bravery.