This week has been interesting. Two incidents have caught people's attention and left me pondering. The first was the entirely inappropriate and utterly disgusting language and behaviour of the two young men who injected themselves into Kim Vinnell's live cross into "Story" on TV3 on Monday night and then the subsequent comments they made the following night when challenged by Kim. The second was the story of the Return of Kings planning mass meetings globally, including in New Zealand. Both incidents were disgusting and sickening, and unfortunately, both showed young men in a very bad light and highlighted an underlying sexism in our culture that needs to be buried and never resurrected again.
Much has been written about the disgusting behaviour of the two young men who injected themselves into a live broadcast and used the phrase "f*** her right in the p***y". When did this ever become a thing to say? It is gross, foul and abhorrent. Just as abhorrent has been the number of people who have jumped in and attacked Kim, and trying to blame her and her camera operator for being disorganised and allowing this to happen. Some of the same people, as well as others, have also defended the two young men with pathetic throw away lines like "it's just boys being boys". The sad fact is this is exactly the same as saying a woman deserved to be raped because of the clothes she was wearing, claiming "she was asking for it because of what she was wearing". It shows an attitude that permeates male culture and needs to end.
And before men jump up and down and claim they have never condoned rape, ask yourself these questions: have you ever joked with male friends about a woman's sexuality or what she would be like in bed?; have you ever looked at pornography?; have you ever oogled at scantily clad woman in photo shoots?; have you ever compared women with friends and rated them in a top 10?; have you ever caught yourself looking at a woman and thought instantly about aspects of her body (for example, "nice arse", "check out those breasts!")? Let's not kid ourselves men, we are all guilty of allowing this attitude to grow and fester to the point that we claim it is all just a bit of harmless fun, or boys simply being boys.
And that brings me to the "Return of Kings" group - an online group who believe women should be controlled by men and whose founder reportedly believes rape on private property should be legalised. I am relieved that the planned meetings have been cancelled due to the justified outrage over this group. However, I am also saddened and sickened to think that fellow men in New Zealand would be interested in being part of this group. But I also realise that in male culture there is a very fine, blurred line between what is seen as acceptable and what is seen as disgusting and inappropriate. In fact, that line has become so blurred for many men it is easy for them to express their disgust at a group like Return of Kings and then joke with their mates about some attractive woman they've just seen walking down the road.
Both stem from a wrong attitude about women. It is an attitude that says that women are less than men. It is an attitude that says it is okay to talk about a woman as if she was some object or thing to possess. It is an attitude that says that men are the ultimate authority and women must be submissive. It is an attitude that says a woman's place is in the home, cooking for their man and looking after the babies. It is sexism pure and simple. As hard and challenging as that may be to read, that is the sad reality. Sexism still exists in this country. It isn't just in the extremities of society or found in deep dark alleys of our culture. It is widespread. We just don't talk about it. We pretend it isn't there or that it is just a bit of fun. And it is time it was dead and buried.
I challenge all men to speak out. To tell their friends that those comments or attitudes aren't appreciated. You may face a bit of ridicule or ribbing. You may be challenged by the perpetrators (who'll be your mates, colleagues, or family) with comments like, "come on, it was just a bit of fun"; "oh, don't be so sensitive" or worse "oh stop being so self-righteous!" You may even be reminded of time when you said similar things, or participated in the same unhealthy conversations. But hold firm. Admit your failings in the past. But don't compromise. If enough of us speak up and challenge us we can kill this attitude off.
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