Yet again violence against women is in the news. Yet again we are hearing the age-old and, quite honestly, tired response of “not all men”. Personally, it is a phrase I am sick of!
To the men reading this, are you going to tell me that you are so threatened by the issue that you happily throw all kinds of BS up like “not all men” in an attempt to deflect and avoid dealing with the truth?
And yes, I said the truth. Don’t believe me? Statistics don’t lie and anyone trying to argue “not all men” has to contend with the statistics. What statistics are those? There are many we could look at, but today I just want to focus on two specific ones.
Firstly, in New Zealand, 1 in 3 girls may be sexually abused before she turns 16 years old. Most of this abuse (90%) will be done by someone she knows and 70% will involve genital contact (see Sexual Abuse Statistics). Then, connected to that, approximately 1 in 5 New Zealand women experience a serious sexual assault. For some women, this happens more than once. 1 in 3 girls. 1 in 5 women. Uncomfortable reading isn’t it? That means that men are abusing women and girls at atrocious rates. And before you claim that these statistics can’t be real, let’s look at the second statistic.
By conservative estimates, 92% of rape complainants are telling the truth*. 92%! There have been multiple studies done on this across the world and they all arrive at the same conclusion - that the overwhelming majority of women who claim to have been sexually assaulted are telling the truth. Combining this statistic with the first makes for truly grim reading. The use of “not all men” suggests that these sexual assaults are done by a small minority of men who are outliers, social misfits who are not adhering to the norms of society. This simply isn’t true as these statistics show.
The reality is that we are living in a society designed for the elevation and gratification of men. It is a society where men are the powerbrokers, and while we here in New Zealand have had three women Prime Ministers, they have had to achieve that fighting tooth and nail, with men constantly questioning their sexuality, slandering, and infantilising them.
So what can we do?
Firstly, we need to confront the reality that far too many men are committing sexual assault at alarming levels instead of trying to bury our heads in the sand with “not all men”. We need to realise and admit that sexual assaults and rape are not a problem for women, but rather they are a problem for men. It is men who rape, it is men who sexually assault, it is happening at alarming rates, and it must stop now!
Secondly, we men must change our responses from a defensive “not all men”. I believe the change required is a simple one but one which is radical. We need to listen to and believe women. It is the first step, and requires little effort on our part but has a huge impact on changing the narrative.
But we can’t stop there and this next step is a challenging one. We need to stand up to our mates, our colleagues, our brothers, dads, sons, nephews, uncles, and grandads when they say something sexist or derogatory towards women. Why? Because our culture is steeped in this sexism. This sexism is considered normal and the normalisation of reduced women to sex objects is a major contributor to the number of rapes and sexual assaults that women and young girls are experiencing at our hands.
Finally, we need to educate our fellow men. Change happens when we share what we have learned. This includes teaching our sons, nephews, and the young men we are in contact with. The reality is that a rapist looks like you and me, but equally, a change-maker (I prefer feminist but I know some men bristle at that term) looks just like you and me as well. Let’s teach the next generation the importance of consent first and foremost. If you don’t know what consent looks like, then get educated. A great first place is this video, made as part of an excellent series targeted at teenagers called The Real Sex Talk.
It isn’t going to be easy and we all will stuff up from time to time. But, and here is the important thing, making these changes will have a significant positive impact on the lives of all women in our society. And that is the point. Making this society a better and safer place for all women in Aotearoa.
